In my book, Stepping Outside the Secrets: A Spiritual Journey from Sexual Abuse to Inner Peace, I talk about how my childhood sexual abuse affected my adult relationships. Unhealthy relationships, sexual difficulties, mistrust and fear of intimacy were all legacies from my childhood abuse. The consequences of early abuse permeate our adult lives and can result in a much higher than average amount of depression, PTSD, substance abuse issues, sexual acting out or sexual avoidance and relationship problems.
My pattern was to chase after alcoholic men to try to gain the love I never received from my abusive, alcoholic father. Instead of receiving love from those alcoholics, who were not capable of giving it, I endured further abuse. At the time, I had no understanding of why I was always attracted to the alcoholic"bad boys," but I did know that none of my relationships were working out.
If you were sexually abused as a child, teen or early adult, chances are you have struggled with relationships as I have. Some of us do not like to be touched or experience disturbing flashbacks to the abuse during sexual activity. As a result, we become sexually avoidant, not really enjoying sex but only "permitting" it to hold on to a relationship. Once I was accused by a boyfriend of being frigid because we had been dating for five months and I had no interest in being sexual with him. I did everything I could to delay the "inevitable" and only gave in when I feared losing him. This obviously is not normal but I wasn't normal when it came to sex.
Some survivors go in the opposite direction and become hypersexual. They might exude sexuality in their dress and behavior, become promiscuous or engage in sex on the first date.
After all they have been sexualized through the abuse and believe they are valuable to men only as a sexual object. Many victims have low self esteem and are desperate for a man's love, so they readily engage in sex because their history tells them that this is what men want.
Trust is important to a healthy relationship and sexual abuse victims sometimes struggle with trust in their partnerships. If they were abused as a child, their basic need for security and safety has not been met. Often, the very person they were supposed to trust (father, brother, uncle, priest) betrayed them and so as adults they mistrust men. The irony is that women victims usually pick unavailable or unhealthy men (alcoholics, abusers, married men and womanizers) who CANNOT BE TRUSTED. This was my story. By picking unavailable partners, we avoid intimacy (which deep down we fear) because these relationships do not work out.
I know about these above problems, because I have experienced them firsthand. But, in the process, I have discovered there is hope, a way out of the devastating effects of sexual abuse, and I write about this in my book. We can survive, thrive and find satisfaction in our lives. We do not have to continue to live our lives as victims. Our marching slogan can be: VICTIM NO MORE!!!
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Monday, August 10, 2015
MORE ON BILL COSBY SCANDAL
Recently it has come out on the news that Bill Cosby's book, "Congratulations Now What" which was published 15 years ago for college graduates, mocks sexual assault laws. Supposedly, in the book, he makes fun of affirmative consent for sex and calls the University police, "campus sex police."
Not understanding or supporting the law that sexual encounters need to be consented to, fits with his current crisis where over 40 women have claimed he drugged and/or took advantage of them sexually without their consent. This attitude permeates the mentality of rapists, child sexual abuse victims and sexual discrimination. After all, aren't women just second class citizens, with bodies that can be used by predators for sexual enjoyment? This seems to be the awful truth behind such attitudes as Cosby and other accused sexual predators.
Cosby stands out right now because of heavy news coverage and the many women stepping forward to claim they were sexually abused by him. But Cosby is just one of a score of other men with money, fame and power who think the laws do not apply to them. Underlying and supporting their beliefs is our patriarchal society. Not matter how far women's liberation has taken our country, the reality is that we are still a patriarchal society where men, and their needs, rule. Add to this the fame, power and money that accompany the many men who do what they want and get by with it.
Did you know that only 2% or accused rapists every spend one day in jail? Or that 68% or rapes never get reported to the police? Why is this? Because often the women victim is the ONE who ends up being the accused by the police or attorneys with her sexual history being brought into a court trial. I feel confident that the many women who recently accused Cosby of sexual abuse doubted that if they came forward at the time, they would not be believed or their careers would be ruined. (Just look at what happened to Monica Lewinsky) The reason they are able to speak out now is because they have the support of one another's testimony.
Recently, I attended a family reunion with my siblings and cousins. One of my female cousins who knew about my book, Stepping Outside the Secrets", secretly went to my sisters, sister-in-law and brother and questioned the validity of my book. She said she couldn't believe what I said about being sexually abused and thought I had made it all up. At first I was offended by her behavior and talk and then I realized why it is so difficult for some women to tell others they have been abused. No one believes them, or wants to believe them, not even their own relatives. I have heard countless stories in therapy of girls who have been sexually abused by their father, and when they told their mothers, they were reprimanded and told not to speak about it again or were accused of lying. If your own mother, who is supposed to love and protect you, won't listen, who can you go to?
Not understanding or supporting the law that sexual encounters need to be consented to, fits with his current crisis where over 40 women have claimed he drugged and/or took advantage of them sexually without their consent. This attitude permeates the mentality of rapists, child sexual abuse victims and sexual discrimination. After all, aren't women just second class citizens, with bodies that can be used by predators for sexual enjoyment? This seems to be the awful truth behind such attitudes as Cosby and other accused sexual predators.
Cosby stands out right now because of heavy news coverage and the many women stepping forward to claim they were sexually abused by him. But Cosby is just one of a score of other men with money, fame and power who think the laws do not apply to them. Underlying and supporting their beliefs is our patriarchal society. Not matter how far women's liberation has taken our country, the reality is that we are still a patriarchal society where men, and their needs, rule. Add to this the fame, power and money that accompany the many men who do what they want and get by with it.
Did you know that only 2% or accused rapists every spend one day in jail? Or that 68% or rapes never get reported to the police? Why is this? Because often the women victim is the ONE who ends up being the accused by the police or attorneys with her sexual history being brought into a court trial. I feel confident that the many women who recently accused Cosby of sexual abuse doubted that if they came forward at the time, they would not be believed or their careers would be ruined. (Just look at what happened to Monica Lewinsky) The reason they are able to speak out now is because they have the support of one another's testimony.
Recently, I attended a family reunion with my siblings and cousins. One of my female cousins who knew about my book, Stepping Outside the Secrets", secretly went to my sisters, sister-in-law and brother and questioned the validity of my book. She said she couldn't believe what I said about being sexually abused and thought I had made it all up. At first I was offended by her behavior and talk and then I realized why it is so difficult for some women to tell others they have been abused. No one believes them, or wants to believe them, not even their own relatives. I have heard countless stories in therapy of girls who have been sexually abused by their father, and when they told their mothers, they were reprimanded and told not to speak about it again or were accused of lying. If your own mother, who is supposed to love and protect you, won't listen, who can you go to?
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
STEPPING OUTSIDE THE SECRETS
There is a saying that we are only as sick as our secrets. Why is this so? Because often behind the secrets are feelings of blame and shame which keep one locked in a prison of personal pain, isolated and alone. We can't let others know who we truly are. Maybe we did something wrong or feel we are a bad person and worry about others disapproval. Or we might feel that we are "different" and if those close to us find out who we truly are they will not like us. Underlying these thoughts are fears of judgment and loss of love.
I believe the real issue, however, is not so much about others judgment as it is about our own self judgment. Once we are able to accept ourselves, our humanity, warts and all, then we can step outside our secrets. I took that step when I wrote my book Stepping Outside the Secrets. I stopped blaming myself and opened up about all the sexual abuse I had experienced and how it affected my life and relationships. I owned the harm I had done to myself and others through my many dysfunctional relationships. In the process, I came to a greater understanding and acceptance of myself. I became free.
In the news lately we have heard stories from many women who claim they have been sexually abused by Bill Cosby. I am sure some of these women were ashamed to come forward (after all the alleged abuse occurred many years ago) but now they are doing so. They might have been afraid of public ridicule or disbelief if they came forward. Or possibly they were carrying some blame for the abuse as many sexually abused women do. But these women had the courage to break through their secrets and share them with the world.
And, what about Caitlyn Jenner (formerly Bruce Jenner). What courage it took for her and scores of other transgender individuals to share their secret. The same goes for celebrities and other famous people who have come out of the closet and admitted they were gay. All of these individuals are breaking out of the chains that bind them so they can be themselves and be free. Hopefully, they are discovering, as I have, that the truth shall indeed set us free.
Saturday, April 25, 2015
TRAUMA and STRESS
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, trauma is defined as "a disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury." This pretty well applies to most of the human race for who hasn't had to deal with an emotional, mental or physical stressor sometime in their life. There are a myriad of mental and emotional traumas that humans can experience such as abuse, loss of a job or loved one, financial woes, child-raising problems or excessive worry. Add to this the stress of an unexpected illness or broken bone.
Just daily living creates stress with our fast paced society, high technology, loud noises and overcrowding. Time, of which we never seem to have enough, becomes a stressor itself as we have so much to do with so little time. We become accomplished jugglers, tossing one ball after another, filling our days with endless activities, leaving little time for rest, reflection and relaxation.
One secret to reducing stress is to SLOW DOWN, breathe deeply and stay in our bodies and out of our minds. The mind will hold us captive with its 70,000 thoughts each day as it tries to maintain an upper hand in our lives. As helpful as the mind can be for problem solving, it is not to be in control of our lives. We are not to be controlled by our mind or emotions but rather by our center of being-ness which is our link to the Divine. When we slow down, breathe and stay in our bodies (which are always in the present), we can align with our Higher Source. From that place real inspiration and intuition arises and God's voice can be more easily discerned. From that place, we come to realize that 'all is perfect' and useful for our soul's evolving and that God will give us the strength we need to deal with whatever life presents.
(I will be giving a talk entitled "Transforming Trauma through Spiritual Awareness" at the Peregrine Book Store in Prescott, Arizona on May 9th at 2pm. It is free and all are invited.)
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Paths up the Mountain
Today is Easter Sunday and I have been reflecting on the Christian belief of my childhood that
Jesus, the Son of God, died for our sins, rose from the dead and ascended into heaven. I realize that many in the world do not hold to this belief. They may see Christ as an avatar or holy prophet but not the Son of God. Why? Because most of the major religions have their own avatars or holy ones such as Krishna, Buddha or Mohammed. Where does this leave us?
Obviously, there are many paths up the mountain which have the potential to lead us to God. Each path has been created by the followers of the different holy and enlightened ones who have been on earth. Source in its great mercy has sent us over the years many actualized beings to point the way Godward. They have come at certain times and to certain parts of the world to reach people. My belief is that if we sincerely and we good intention follow the path, whatever that path may be, we will find God.
Let us stop competing or putting down others religious beliefs. There is room for all the trails that wind up the mountain. And, don't they all lead to the top where God can be found!
Jesus, the Son of God, died for our sins, rose from the dead and ascended into heaven. I realize that many in the world do not hold to this belief. They may see Christ as an avatar or holy prophet but not the Son of God. Why? Because most of the major religions have their own avatars or holy ones such as Krishna, Buddha or Mohammed. Where does this leave us?
Obviously, there are many paths up the mountain which have the potential to lead us to God. Each path has been created by the followers of the different holy and enlightened ones who have been on earth. Source in its great mercy has sent us over the years many actualized beings to point the way Godward. They have come at certain times and to certain parts of the world to reach people. My belief is that if we sincerely and we good intention follow the path, whatever that path may be, we will find God.
Let us stop competing or putting down others religious beliefs. There is room for all the trails that wind up the mountain. And, don't they all lead to the top where God can be found!
Friday, March 6, 2015
TRANSFORMING TRAUMA THROUGH SPIRITUAL AWARENESS
Have you been a victim of abuse be it sexual, physical or emotional? Have you experienced a loss in your life of a loved one, a relationship, job or money? We have all experienced trauma in one way or another throughout our lives. According to Buddhist teachings, the human condition is one of suffering. The question is: How do we transcend our traumas and suffering?
For some individuals, suffering or trauma brings them down, creating depression and feelings of hopelessness while others seem to survive trauma with grace and equanimity. For instance, a woman who has been sexually abused as a child or raped as an adult can suffer long term effects and carry deep resentments which often lead to depression. A different women can see how the abuse helped to shape her into a forgiving, more loving person. This latter example is my story and is detailed in my book "Stepping Outside the Secrets."
How did I come to a place of peace regarding all of my sexual abuse? It was through a spiritual journey of seeing things differently, of seeing through "spiritual eyes." I sought out spiritual teachers and learned to view reality in a new way through their teachings. I believe I chose my life experiences (being sexually abused by my alcoholic father and others) before I even came into this life so that my soul could evolve in this incarnation.
My early abuse drove me deep into my childhood religion for comfort. I spend hours reading spiritual books and going to Church to be able to endure the abuse. Later, I studied to become a psychologist to "understand" my father. Thus, my path was laid out for me to become a transpersonal (or spirit-centered) psychologist to help others. Everything was perfect. Once I understood this, it was easy to forgive my father for he played his part perfectly in the divine dance.
I also came to the realization that I am not my body. While we have bodies, minds and emotions, we are more than this: we are spirits! We are spirits in human bodies which are given to us as vehicles to co-create good or Godliness on this planet. Once we are aware of this we can more easily detach from whatever traumas are presenting on our lives. Everything that happens to us happens by God's will and our job is to learn from the experience and transcend it. Staying attached to our wounded-ness only feeds the body, the ego, and not our spirit
For some individuals, suffering or trauma brings them down, creating depression and feelings of hopelessness while others seem to survive trauma with grace and equanimity. For instance, a woman who has been sexually abused as a child or raped as an adult can suffer long term effects and carry deep resentments which often lead to depression. A different women can see how the abuse helped to shape her into a forgiving, more loving person. This latter example is my story and is detailed in my book "Stepping Outside the Secrets."
How did I come to a place of peace regarding all of my sexual abuse? It was through a spiritual journey of seeing things differently, of seeing through "spiritual eyes." I sought out spiritual teachers and learned to view reality in a new way through their teachings. I believe I chose my life experiences (being sexually abused by my alcoholic father and others) before I even came into this life so that my soul could evolve in this incarnation.
My early abuse drove me deep into my childhood religion for comfort. I spend hours reading spiritual books and going to Church to be able to endure the abuse. Later, I studied to become a psychologist to "understand" my father. Thus, my path was laid out for me to become a transpersonal (or spirit-centered) psychologist to help others. Everything was perfect. Once I understood this, it was easy to forgive my father for he played his part perfectly in the divine dance.
I also came to the realization that I am not my body. While we have bodies, minds and emotions, we are more than this: we are spirits! We are spirits in human bodies which are given to us as vehicles to co-create good or Godliness on this planet. Once we are aware of this we can more easily detach from whatever traumas are presenting on our lives. Everything that happens to us happens by God's will and our job is to learn from the experience and transcend it. Staying attached to our wounded-ness only feeds the body, the ego, and not our spirit
Saturday, January 31, 2015
GOD SAVE THE WOMEN & CHILDREN
An old Cheyenne Indian saying goes, "A nation is not dead until the hearts of its women are on the ground." I believe America is slowly dying as multitudes of women and children have had their hearts and spirits crushed, dashed to the ground by sexual abuse. The number of women and child victims of sexual assault in the United States is overwhelming: According to the statistics of RAINN (the largest U.S. anti-assault organization) every 107 seconds an American age 12 or older is sexually assaulted, which if you are doing your math, come to 17.7 million women a year. As for children, one in every four girls will be a victim of sexual abuse.
In addition to these alarming statistics, the prosecution of sexual crime reflects a dismal picture. Often, the victim of a rape find herself being the accused one, questioned about her sexual behavior, which is partially why 68% of rape cases are never reported to police. Of the cases that are reported and the perpetrator arrested, 98% of rapists never spend a day in jail.
I wonder what happened to good, old-fashioned chivalry where women and children go in the boats first. Not only in our country but all over the world women and children are being devalued, relegated to second class citizenship or worse, due to rampant physical and sexual abuse. Child sexual abuse has come to the forefront in recent years by the scandal of Catholic priests accused of pedophile behavior. More recently, Great Britain's Prince Andrew was accused of having sex with an under-age sex slave. Add to this the viewing of child pornography on the internet which has become a major addiction.
Attorney General Eric Holder Jr. addressed the issue of child pornography at his 2011 address in San Jose, California, stating, "Unfortunately, we've seen a historic rise in the distribution of child pornography, in the number of images being shared online, and in the level of violence associated with child exploitation and sexual abuse crimes." As mentioned in my book, "Stepping Outside the Secrets," this struck close to home when I discovered that my next door neighbor's computer was filled with disgusting child pornography. I reported it to the police but they did nothing about it telling me they were after the "bigger fish," those individuals who were creating the pornographic websites.
At one period of my life I spent a great deal of time with traditional Native American families and was impressed with how much respect they showed toward their children and elders. They had their priorities straight. When a nation loses its moral compass by objectifying and sexualizing its women and children, things "go south." It is time to speak out against these atrocities and take a stand. One by one we can light a candle and stand on the side of justice and moral integrity. And, we can pray: God save the women, children and nation!
In addition to these alarming statistics, the prosecution of sexual crime reflects a dismal picture. Often, the victim of a rape find herself being the accused one, questioned about her sexual behavior, which is partially why 68% of rape cases are never reported to police. Of the cases that are reported and the perpetrator arrested, 98% of rapists never spend a day in jail.
I wonder what happened to good, old-fashioned chivalry where women and children go in the boats first. Not only in our country but all over the world women and children are being devalued, relegated to second class citizenship or worse, due to rampant physical and sexual abuse. Child sexual abuse has come to the forefront in recent years by the scandal of Catholic priests accused of pedophile behavior. More recently, Great Britain's Prince Andrew was accused of having sex with an under-age sex slave. Add to this the viewing of child pornography on the internet which has become a major addiction.
Attorney General Eric Holder Jr. addressed the issue of child pornography at his 2011 address in San Jose, California, stating, "Unfortunately, we've seen a historic rise in the distribution of child pornography, in the number of images being shared online, and in the level of violence associated with child exploitation and sexual abuse crimes." As mentioned in my book, "Stepping Outside the Secrets," this struck close to home when I discovered that my next door neighbor's computer was filled with disgusting child pornography. I reported it to the police but they did nothing about it telling me they were after the "bigger fish," those individuals who were creating the pornographic websites.
At one period of my life I spent a great deal of time with traditional Native American families and was impressed with how much respect they showed toward their children and elders. They had their priorities straight. When a nation loses its moral compass by objectifying and sexualizing its women and children, things "go south." It is time to speak out against these atrocities and take a stand. One by one we can light a candle and stand on the side of justice and moral integrity. And, we can pray: God save the women, children and nation!
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