In my book, Stepping Outside the Secrets: A Spiritual Journey from Sexual Abuse to Inner Peace, I talk about how my childhood sexual abuse affected my adult relationships. Unhealthy relationships, sexual difficulties, mistrust and fear of intimacy were all legacies from my childhood abuse. The consequences of early abuse permeate our adult lives and can result in a much higher than average amount of depression, PTSD, substance abuse issues, sexual acting out or sexual avoidance and relationship problems.
My pattern was to chase after alcoholic men to try to gain the love I never received from my abusive, alcoholic father. Instead of receiving love from those alcoholics, who were not capable of giving it, I endured further abuse. At the time, I had no understanding of why I was always attracted to the alcoholic"bad boys," but I did know that none of my relationships were working out.
If you were sexually abused as a child, teen or early adult, chances are you have struggled with relationships as I have. Some of us do not like to be touched or experience disturbing flashbacks to the abuse during sexual activity. As a result, we become sexually avoidant, not really enjoying sex but only "permitting" it to hold on to a relationship. Once I was accused by a boyfriend of being frigid because we had been dating for five months and I had no interest in being sexual with him. I did everything I could to delay the "inevitable" and only gave in when I feared losing him. This obviously is not normal but I wasn't normal when it came to sex.
Some survivors go in the opposite direction and become hypersexual. They might exude sexuality in their dress and behavior, become promiscuous or engage in sex on the first date.
After all they have been sexualized through the abuse and believe they are valuable to men only as a sexual object. Many victims have low self esteem and are desperate for a man's love, so they readily engage in sex because their history tells them that this is what men want.
Trust is important to a healthy relationship and sexual abuse victims sometimes struggle with trust in their partnerships. If they were abused as a child, their basic need for security and safety has not been met. Often, the very person they were supposed to trust (father, brother, uncle, priest) betrayed them and so as adults they mistrust men. The irony is that women victims usually pick unavailable or unhealthy men (alcoholics, abusers, married men and womanizers) who CANNOT BE TRUSTED. This was my story. By picking unavailable partners, we avoid intimacy (which deep down we fear) because these relationships do not work out.
I know about these above problems, because I have experienced them firsthand. But, in the process, I have discovered there is hope, a way out of the devastating effects of sexual abuse, and I write about this in my book. We can survive, thrive and find satisfaction in our lives. We do not have to continue to live our lives as victims. Our marching slogan can be: VICTIM NO MORE!!!
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Monday, August 10, 2015
MORE ON BILL COSBY SCANDAL
Recently it has come out on the news that Bill Cosby's book, "Congratulations Now What" which was published 15 years ago for college graduates, mocks sexual assault laws. Supposedly, in the book, he makes fun of affirmative consent for sex and calls the University police, "campus sex police."
Not understanding or supporting the law that sexual encounters need to be consented to, fits with his current crisis where over 40 women have claimed he drugged and/or took advantage of them sexually without their consent. This attitude permeates the mentality of rapists, child sexual abuse victims and sexual discrimination. After all, aren't women just second class citizens, with bodies that can be used by predators for sexual enjoyment? This seems to be the awful truth behind such attitudes as Cosby and other accused sexual predators.
Cosby stands out right now because of heavy news coverage and the many women stepping forward to claim they were sexually abused by him. But Cosby is just one of a score of other men with money, fame and power who think the laws do not apply to them. Underlying and supporting their beliefs is our patriarchal society. Not matter how far women's liberation has taken our country, the reality is that we are still a patriarchal society where men, and their needs, rule. Add to this the fame, power and money that accompany the many men who do what they want and get by with it.
Did you know that only 2% or accused rapists every spend one day in jail? Or that 68% or rapes never get reported to the police? Why is this? Because often the women victim is the ONE who ends up being the accused by the police or attorneys with her sexual history being brought into a court trial. I feel confident that the many women who recently accused Cosby of sexual abuse doubted that if they came forward at the time, they would not be believed or their careers would be ruined. (Just look at what happened to Monica Lewinsky) The reason they are able to speak out now is because they have the support of one another's testimony.
Recently, I attended a family reunion with my siblings and cousins. One of my female cousins who knew about my book, Stepping Outside the Secrets", secretly went to my sisters, sister-in-law and brother and questioned the validity of my book. She said she couldn't believe what I said about being sexually abused and thought I had made it all up. At first I was offended by her behavior and talk and then I realized why it is so difficult for some women to tell others they have been abused. No one believes them, or wants to believe them, not even their own relatives. I have heard countless stories in therapy of girls who have been sexually abused by their father, and when they told their mothers, they were reprimanded and told not to speak about it again or were accused of lying. If your own mother, who is supposed to love and protect you, won't listen, who can you go to?
Not understanding or supporting the law that sexual encounters need to be consented to, fits with his current crisis where over 40 women have claimed he drugged and/or took advantage of them sexually without their consent. This attitude permeates the mentality of rapists, child sexual abuse victims and sexual discrimination. After all, aren't women just second class citizens, with bodies that can be used by predators for sexual enjoyment? This seems to be the awful truth behind such attitudes as Cosby and other accused sexual predators.
Cosby stands out right now because of heavy news coverage and the many women stepping forward to claim they were sexually abused by him. But Cosby is just one of a score of other men with money, fame and power who think the laws do not apply to them. Underlying and supporting their beliefs is our patriarchal society. Not matter how far women's liberation has taken our country, the reality is that we are still a patriarchal society where men, and their needs, rule. Add to this the fame, power and money that accompany the many men who do what they want and get by with it.
Did you know that only 2% or accused rapists every spend one day in jail? Or that 68% or rapes never get reported to the police? Why is this? Because often the women victim is the ONE who ends up being the accused by the police or attorneys with her sexual history being brought into a court trial. I feel confident that the many women who recently accused Cosby of sexual abuse doubted that if they came forward at the time, they would not be believed or their careers would be ruined. (Just look at what happened to Monica Lewinsky) The reason they are able to speak out now is because they have the support of one another's testimony.
Recently, I attended a family reunion with my siblings and cousins. One of my female cousins who knew about my book, Stepping Outside the Secrets", secretly went to my sisters, sister-in-law and brother and questioned the validity of my book. She said she couldn't believe what I said about being sexually abused and thought I had made it all up. At first I was offended by her behavior and talk and then I realized why it is so difficult for some women to tell others they have been abused. No one believes them, or wants to believe them, not even their own relatives. I have heard countless stories in therapy of girls who have been sexually abused by their father, and when they told their mothers, they were reprimanded and told not to speak about it again or were accused of lying. If your own mother, who is supposed to love and protect you, won't listen, who can you go to?
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