SEXUAL ABUSE AND ADULT RELATIONSHIPS

In my book, Stepping Outside the Secrets: A Spiritual Journey from Sexual Abuse to Inner Peace, I talk about how my childhood sexual abuse affected my adult relationships. Unhealthy relationships, sexual difficulties, mistrust and fear of intimacy were all legacies from my childhood abuse. The consequences of early abuse permeate our adult lives and can result in a much higher than average amount of depression, PTSD, substance abuse issues, sexual acting out or sexual avoidance and relationship problems.

My pattern was to chase after alcoholic men to try to gain the love I never received from my abusive, alcoholic father. Instead of receiving love from those alcoholics, who were not capable of giving it, I endured further abuse. At the time, I had no understanding of why I was always attracted to the alcoholic"bad boys," but I did know that none of my relationships were working out.

If you were sexually abused as a child, teen or early adult, chances are you have struggled with relationships as I have. Some of us do not like to be touched or experience disturbing flashbacks to the abuse during sexual activity. As a result, we become sexually avoidant, not really enjoying sex but only "permitting" it to hold on to a relationship. Once I was accused by a boyfriend of being frigid because we had been dating for five months and I had no interest in being sexual with him. I did everything I could to delay the "inevitable" and only gave in when I feared losing him. This obviously is not normal but I wasn't normal when it came to sex.

Some survivors go in the opposite direction and become hypersexual. They might exude sexuality in their dress and behavior, become promiscuous or engage in sex on the first date.
After all they have been sexualized through the abuse and believe they are valuable to men only as a sexual object. Many victims have low self esteem and are desperate for a man's love, so they readily engage in sex because their history tells them that this is what men want.

Trust is important to a healthy relationship and sexual abuse victims sometimes struggle with trust in their partnerships. If they were abused as a child, their basic need for security and safety has not been met. Often, the very person they were supposed to trust (father, brother, uncle, priest) betrayed them and so as adults they mistrust men. The irony is that women victims usually pick unavailable or unhealthy men (alcoholics, abusers, married men and womanizers) who CANNOT BE TRUSTED. This was my story. By picking unavailable partners, we avoid intimacy (which deep down we fear) because these relationships do not work out.

I know about these above problems, because I have experienced them firsthand. But, in the process, I have discovered there is hope, a way out of the devastating effects of sexual abuse, and I write about this in my book. We can survive, thrive and find satisfaction in our lives. We do not have to continue to live our lives as victims. Our marching slogan can be: VICTIM NO MORE!!!